A place of writing and reflection…
For most of my childhood life there was an essence of fear. It wasn’t that I was necessarily paranoid; I was scared of the unknown – particularly of dying.
As a child I was plagued at night by dreams in which I was either chased, falling or in some other form or fashion about to die. Once I was a rabbit watching myself being chased about an open field. In another I was falling out of some sort of spring loaded go-kart and woke just before hitting the ground. Once I dreamed my parents brought home a life size Aztec statue that had it in for me when no one else was around.
These dreams felt every bit as real as daily, wide awake life. I could touch, feel, taste and react which only added to my fear. Even after I began attending church at fifteen, the fear in my dreams still lurked somewhere in my soul. Unable to deal with the issue, I continued having the haunting dreams. But one Wednesday night at youth group soon changed that.
Our youth pastor, Johann, spoke to us about fear that evening, and while I cannot now remember the entire sermon verbatim one verse stuck out to me above the rest:
“What shall we say about these things? If God if for us who can be against us?” Romans 8:31(NET Bible)
The second half of the verse felt like it hit me like a semi, yet I had no clue just how much it would impact me that night.
I happened to dream, as I occasionally did, of an always familiar scene – me against someone else.
Everything was white and lacked any type of form. There were no walls and no where to go. I stood by myself facing an angry mob. There were motorcycles, trucks, and people – all with pitch forks and torches shouting at me. In the midst of the crowd sat a large semi truck; the biggest I had seen. Its driver on the other hand I could not see as clear as the rest jeering at me. He was shrouded in shadow with his red, angry eyes as the only sign of expression I could see.
Almost automatically fear gripped my heart. I glanced around for a place to run or even cower, but I was soon reminded how those attempts had always failed. I could charge them, however I doubt the results of such action would have ended any better. Then the latter half of the verse came to mind.
At that point I could think of nothing else to do. I raised my hands as though I planned to start a boxing match with the entire group. Bobbing back and forth I began to sing the verse:
“If God is for me, who can be against me,” I repeated over and over again until I felt a weight at my hip. Noticing the semi driver’s expression change as well, I glanced down. Hanging from belt around my body was a gleaming sword; its blade dangling almost to my feet. No one had put it there, nor did I have it to begin with. I simply shrugged and continued with my rant.
In the same manner as the sword, I felt another weight on my arm. There strapped to me was an enormous gold shield. I was almost surprised I could carry it! A bit excited I began to sing again.
Then I began to notice the crowd growing silent and lowering their weapons. When I looked to my right I was surprised. Standing there beside me was my best friend carrying the same sword and shield, all the while singing the same song.
Continuing again, I noticed the semi driver’s expression suddenly change. Returning my line of sight to my right revealed the remainder of my entire youth group – about thirty – complete with leaders and our youth pastor. They, too, bore similar weaponry as I.
Fully charged, together we all sang the verse at the top of our lungs, now beginning to sound more like chanting. Some how my attention was then drawn away to my left to a miraculous spectacle.
There stood angels, at least twelve feet tall, with weapons drawn. One standing directly beside me carried a sword while another pulled taught a bow. Feeling unbeatable and ready to charge the enemy, I looked to the crowd only to watch them now run away.
I began cheering and wanted to celebrate the victory only to find myself completely alone. Confused, I grew angry. I wanted to party! It was the first time I had chosen to fight and in doing so was provided with a small army for the fight. Now, they were all gone – youth and angels alike – when a hand startled me out of my thought.
Looking up I saw the sword bearing angel smiling down on me. Still angry I blurted, “What are you looking at,” and woke up.
I learned that night that facing up to my fears was not such a bad thing and when push came to shove, God would be there to help me out of it. Now I’m not saying that all my fears were eradicated in one night. This was just the beginning for me in learning to live life less fearful of the unknown – including death. I still have to continually remind myself that God is in control and that He knows what’s going on. If I don’t He’ll send someone else to.
copyright 2011 thefaithboook